Words and Lyrics of a Wounded Soul
Can peace, serenity exist within one’s soul?
My companion, my lover, my enemy – demon – has traveled my life’s path
Hand in hand for 20 years
Footprints in the sand, on the tar covered roads
We’ve been enemies; destroying each other’s soul, gossip buddies,
sometimes – best friends – got each other’s back
Survivors we call ourselves for we believe that we are the only ones who really know
and understand each other
And I mean really, really know each other
We’ve gotten angry at each other, fought bloodily behind closed doors
A Separation of the souls we sometimes agree
Not needing each other at times
We are co-dependents
Cheering at the worst times possible
I pull back, fighting to work, to heal this painful wound
I cry, emotionally grasping onto anything that reflect s saneness
I relax, loosening my grip
The pain subsides
I live with the illusion that the wound has healed
The window cracked, allowing air to circulate
Then I feel a rough hand, hear a male Caribbean accent, see ashy skin and
here comes demon clawing its way towards the wound
Knowing that there are still raw scabs
The relationship is renewed slowly
A love affair recaptured
Eventually consuming each other in pain and uncertainty
The flash of all that was real zooms across the screen
Images of a little girl running in the rain, laughing, feeling a part of, not alone
Vision of watching her brothers sneak womyn into their room, having sex in their car
Out front, peeping through the cracks – curious
Wanting to know more
A young lady expresses love through sharing her body with the neighborhoods boys
It did look fun, so why is it not?
Wanting to touch womyn but not knowing how to
Traveling to America, felling a need to explore
20 years old yet naïve, eager, fearless
Welcome to America
Life is exciting, unexposed
Then on gloomy day – the earth shook, and all that had color seems gray, pale, lifeless,
Struggling to capture a breath
First rape – I’m really out of my mind, had to be my fault
Should have locked the door, should have not allowed him to pay for school, my books
He is my sister’s husband, my nephew’s father, he is family – had to be my fault
I became myself within myself
Not knowing which one is real
I can’t say a word, I’m undocumented, I’m lesbian, I’m scared
Who do I tell?
A life of secrets continues
First suicide attempt – that will kill the pain
Second suicide attempt – this time the memories will be erased
Fourth suicide attempt – it has to work, maybe someone will take note, will hold me
Just cannot destroy the me that does not belong, that has learnt to weave its way
Within the other me for survival
I open my mouth, words start to fall out
“He raped me”
I hear, “Is that why you're gay?”
I look across the bed, seeing the sister who had been the mother, the angel in my eyes
Nothing escapes my tongue
My silence has protected me for eight years
A reason to the madness
I numb my soul – alcohol, cocaine, speed, crack – anything to take me away from who
I was, I am
It really did not happen
It is safer believing it was a dream
My illusion of what was, what is, what can be
The demons have become a part of me
Daily I have learnt to walk with, to fight with, to comfort, to protect and slowly tortured
my soul
What does it take to feel forgiveness, to feel self-vole, to feel my soul?
What does forgiveness feel like, is it a happy emotion or just an illusion created to
pacify people like me?
I hear the word, I know how to speak it, but will it give birth from the pit of my soul?
Words and lyrics of a wounded soul on a continuous journey, learning to move, to dance
and be one with the vibrations, the beat, the rhymes of a healing soul music.
To be continued……………..
Started January 06, 2005
Work in progress February 02, 2005, December 10, 2008
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